alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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