Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
