and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
