New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
