she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Someone signed my nipple.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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