I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
