Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
