1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
