____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
