Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize