I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
