no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
