I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize