I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
