hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize