nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize