you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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