woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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