I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
