I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think your dad took our porno
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
