Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
