I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
