Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
