i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
