I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
