fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
