i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
