I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who died my cat blue again?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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