I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was like eating out sand paper
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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