i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
