i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
