I met the friendliest cop last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Holy sore nipples Batman
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
