i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
