I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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