Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
