Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
