Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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