Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
