Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
