There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
