i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Damn victory sex feels great
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
