he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
