your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
