I faked an abortion last night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
