I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
