My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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