Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
