im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
your room smells of hookers.
And success
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
