On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think I died a long time ago.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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