You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
not ubering you a puppy
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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