Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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