one two three fourrrrnication!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
