remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i dont even know how to be here
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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