I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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