I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
