I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
