Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
