On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
