Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
