Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
