turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize