I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
whose parrot is this?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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