Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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