Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
