I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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