I want to walk on stilts...naked
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
