I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
