Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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