I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
